WRITEOUS CHICKS NEWSLETTER: IT'S GOOD TO BE BAD

Reprinted from Writeous Chicks Newsletter April 2009 written by Jennifer Garam

WRITEOUS CHICKS NEWSLETTER - April 2009
It's Good To Be Bad

"Would you rather be whole or good?" -Carl Jung

I'm bossy and controlling. Not many people know this about me because, well, those are not considered to be good or nice qualities to have, so I learned to hide them. And then, over time, the hiding becomes so second nature that it is no longer a decision, and in this way, you could easily forget and lose huge chunks of yourself.

However. My family knows the truth because they were there from the beginning, when evidence of my bossy and controlling tendencies was more easily apparent.

When I was 5-years-old, I went on vacation with my extended family to La Jolla, California. At 5-years-old, I was at the height of my sassiness, my self-confidence, my belief in myself, I hadn't yet learned to doubt or criticize myself, and it never would have occurred to me to hide a feeling or thought. This was back when I wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer, and I spent many hours on said vacation in our hotel room practicing for my future career, alternately launching myself into leaps through the air and dramatically throwing myself on the floor in a heap, while belting out the Solid Gold theme song, "Solid Gold - Filling up my life with music, Solid Gold - Putting rhythm in my soul!", imagining myself in a skin-tight gold lamé bodysuit accented perhaps, by just the right leg warmers. (I can now see where my current love of dance TV shows like So You Think You Can Dance took root.)

One day on vacation, my family was all going out together, and we stood in the hotel hallway waiting for the elevator. When the elevator arrived we all piled in - me, my Mom, Dad, my 2-year-old sister, grandfather, and grandmother. And then. My sister pressed the elevator button. And I wanted to press the elevator button, didn't everybody know this?! "OK, everybody out," I demanded, "I want to press the button!" So I made everyone get out of the elevator, and then get back in, so that I could press the button. Everybody actually complied, although, in all fairness, I had my 5-year-old-little-kid-adorable factor going for me then, and I don't think I could get away with that if I tried it, say, today. And it was probably easier to comply with my wishes than deal with what would happen if they didn't, which would be, I would get upset, and also, mad.

But then I learned, through life, that I was supposed to be a good girl, and that playing nice with everyone else in the sandbox was more important than expressing my own feelings and thoughts. That there were certain qualities and feelings I had that were wrong or bad, and therefore, I had to hide, deny, repress, suppress, and hate those qualities, thoughts, and feelings, and cover them up with an impenetrable layer of niceness. (Incidentally, I didn't used to play nice in the sandbox - I took over the sandbox. I was the boss of the sandbox.)

This developed into a tendency to go to the opposite extreme and people-please at the expense of my own needs, feelings, and wishes. And it is easy to see how battering my bossy and controlling tendencies into submission by behaving in the complete opposite way has caused a lot of pain. Because the greatest betrayal of all is the one against yourself.

Society allows us to show such a teeny tiny sliver of who we really and truly are, and we learn to suppress the rest of ourselves, the parts that don't fit neatly into that sliver. Here is a random sampling of things that society (and many of its individual members) deem unacceptable:

- Anger
- Sadness
- Jealousy
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Bossiness/Controlling-ness
- Prolonged any-of-the-above. If you have to feel it, could you just get it over with and move on already?!?!

Now raise your hand if you've ever felt any of the above. It is so crazy that we're not supposed to, and when we do, we feel like we are all alone and no one else feels this way, when, at some point or another, we all do! What's unacceptable is that we don't feel right in expressing all of who we are, no matter how messy or uncomfortable or not nice it may be!

Suppressing things that we think are unacceptable about ourselves does not work, and only leads to painfully diminishing ourselves. When you identify these parts of yourself that you've felt the need to suppress in the past, instead of hating them you can accept, embrace, and integrate them. They often provide a gift that will contribute to making you healed and whole. For instance, instead of being ashamed of my bossiness, I can use it on my own behalf in situations where I need to stand up for myself. My controlling-ness contributes to my ability to efficiently organize and carry out plans. And anger, which is a big issue for so many people who fear it and avoid confrontation at all costs, is a tremendous gift. When I feel angry, it is a huge flashing light that something is wrong or some boundary is being violated, and it shows me where I need to express myself, speak up, and/or make a change.

I don't have to be The Boss of the World or The Nicest Person in the Universe; I can work towards accepting all parts of myself, embracing the gifts that each and every piece brings, and integrating them in a balanced way. This process is totally messy and uncomfortable, and is filled with mistakes and missteps, swinging way too far in one direction only to over-compensate by going to the opposite extreme. The important thing is to take it on with compassion for yourself every step of the way, and trust that practice, even when taken in baby steps, will make it easier over time, and bring progress and healing. It is a worthwhile endeavor to embark on, because being whole feels a lot better, and is infinitely more rewarding and fulfilling, than being good.

Examine the parts of yourself that you've been conditioned to believe are bad. The parts you don't like, don't want to look at, and really don't want anyone else to see. Know that they are not bad, and you no longer have to believe that they are. Practice shedding a little love on those vulnerable bits and pieces as you coax them out into the light. And grow the sliver of yourself that you allow yourself to show to the world fuller and deeper, so that you have room to stretch and breathe, move around, dance and play, take leaps and falls, and be. Fully. Truly. Wholly. You.

OK, now everybody get out of the elevator. I want to press the button!


"But what does it mean, anyway, if what it takes to be loved is the denial of one's own story? And what is a bad girl, really, but a girl who doesn't always do the things other people tell her she's supposed to do? Sometimes, it's true, a bad girl may be someone who cheats or steals or hurts people or lies. And sometimes a bad girl is just someone who tells the truth."

- "A Good Girl Goes Bad" by Joyce Maynard, from "Bad Girls: 26 Writers Misbehave" edited by Ellen Sussman


Wishing you lots of love & compassion on your journey!

Jen xoxo

Writeous Chicks is passionately committed to empowering women to tap into and celebrate their own unique voices through writing, while promoting self-acceptance and self-trust; and to building and sustaining a creative community of women in which to encourage and support themselves & each other.

Writeous Chicks. Express Your Self.

Copyright © 2009 by Jennifer Garam

To read more about Writeous Chicks visit http://writeouschicks.wordpress.com/

BE HERE NOW

WRITEOUS CHICKS NEWSLETTER - March 2009

BE HERE NOW

Reprinted from Writeous Chicks Newsletter March 2007

"When you're anticipating some future good, you're preventing that good that is all around you from expressing through you...[Don't] put life on the layaway plan and try to anticipate that it's going to get good in the future."
-Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith on Oprah "One Week Later: The Huge Reaction to The Secret"

In first grade I had a pair of lavender Jordache jeans with dark purple stitching, The Great Bead Machine, and beautiful long hair. My class had a pet salamander and we planted lima beans in tiny containers and watched them grow. Reading was my favorite subject even though I wasn't in the advanced reading group, and I also liked music, art, and tire swings. Life was good, just as it was.

In second grade my best friend moved to Japan, my remaining group of friends kicked me out of the interpretation of Annie we were going to perform which was my idea in the first place, my teacher got sick and was out for most of the year, my grandfather died, my parents got divorced, and I got lice several times resulting in a very short, very unflattering haircut. It was not a good year.

Thinking back, I believe that this may have been when I started the pattern of thinking: "If I can just get through this day/week/month/year, then maybe the next day/week/month/year will be better."

In fifth grade I thought that my social life would surely take off in middle school. In sixth grade I thought that once I was in eighth grade and the oldest in the school, I would have more confidence. In eighth grade I was ousted from the popular group and I thought I would have more social opportunities once I got to high school. In ninth grade I remember locking myself in my room for days working on an Earth Science research paper, thinking that if I could just get really good grades and get into Princeton or Harvard, then I would be happy. In high school I lived for the weekends and school breaks - summer vacation, winter holiday, spring break, mid-winter recess - and the parties and adventures they would bring.

Senior year I crossed off days on my calendar with big X's counting down until college. My junior year of college I transferred, hoping for a better fit and more happiness. Senior year of college I couldn't wait to graduate and start my life in New York. Living in New York pursuing acting and writing, I worked hard and sacrificed socializing more because I thought my life would truly begin once I had more recognition, success, money, a graduate degree, and/or a boyfriend, or at least a book deal lined up, and then I would have plenty of time for a well-rounded and balanced life.

Does any of this sound familiar?

The list goes on, but lately I have been realizing for the first time in my life that there is no "If I get (fill in the blank), then I'll be happy." It is actually a complete lie, and we all know it deep down. If it were true - that all we needed were money, success, and a mate to be happy - then that would mean that everyone who is rich, successful, and in a relationship would be deliriously happy, and we all know that this is not true, and further know people who have a lot of the outside accoutrements and very little if any of the inner happiness.

In the past year, I have achieved many of my dreams, and some of my saddest and loneliest moments have been after achieving something I have spent years thinking would fulfill me and change everything, only to realize that I felt...exactly the same. But this is good news because it confirms that the power to be happy does not lie in outer circumstances and with other people, but within us.

There used to be a sign painted on the sidewalk down the street from where I live that said BE HERE NOW, and almost everyday I would be rushing somewhere completely lost in thought - either ahead in future or replaying the past - when I would catch a glimpse of these words, and I was always grateful for the reminder to stop and bring myself back to the present. This growing realization has made me mindful of standing still (here and now) and recognizing, appreciating, and enjoying all that is already in my life, and everything that I have already accomplished, rather than holding out all my happiness and self-congratulations for some future event or person, or possible bigger and better achievement.

This can be a challenging practice when we are conditioned to sacrifice now for future payoff. Feeling that what you have, where you are, and who you are - exactly as you are now - is good enough, can go against a lifetime of just "getting by" and "making it through," hoping that some future event, acquisition, achievement, or person will one day validate you and make you happy. And this kind of thinking does serve a purpose to help anesthetize and comfort people during difficult times, but taken as a repetitive pattern over the long term, waiting for your life to begin at a future point (when really, just to state the obvious, it actually began on the day you were born), can limit the joy that you are open to experiencing in the present moment.

This time of year, it is so tempting to jump ahead in anticipation - it is almost Spring and in a few weeks, it will warmer, I will be able to wear flip-flops, I will be happier, and everything will be better! But instead, take some time to slow down and be present to and enjoy the transition, and each and every day, whether it be 70 degrees and spring-like, or revert back to the cold winter weather.

I recently read a wonderful Barbara Jordan quote about this subject in which she had stated: "I live a day at a time. Each day I look for a kernel of excitement. In the morning, I say: 'What is my exciting thing for today?' Then, I do the day. Don't ask me about tomorrow."

Speaking from past experience, it is easy to let many days - huge chunks of days even - slip by without having anything I was excited about for weeks at a time. But I realize that I can take responsibility for my days by being excited about something that already exists in my plan for the day, and if there is nothing there that already excites me, I can create something new to be excited about. This can be as simple as taking a spontaneous walk in the park, making the time to sit down for a cup of coffee at Starbucks and read a chapter from a good book instead of taking my coffee to go in a mad dash to somewhere else, or calling a friend I haven't spoken to in awhile. So as winter transitions to spring, I encourage you to find and/or create something special, a kernel of excitement for yourself every single day, and then compassionately guide yourself back to the present moment to enjoy the heck out of it!

Writeous Chicks is passionately committed to empowering women to tap into and celebrate their own unique voices through writing, while promoting self-acceptance and self-trust; and to building and sustaining a creative community of women in which to encourage and support themselves & each other.

Writeous Chicks. Express Your Self.

Copyright © 2007-09 by Jennifer Garam